A letter to you, when you first realise you are in an abusive relationship
Hello you, how are you holding up? Don’t feel any pressure to hold up — a few days or a couple of weeks curled up in bed is totally ok. This shit is hard.
I am a few months into realising I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and it’s been really tough, I completely know the raw pain you’re in right now. I imagine you’re hurting like hell, slightly trapped between the world your heart lives in, where you think you’re in a loving relationship that needs some work and the world your head is in that knows something is very very wrong but you can’t make any sense of it. And so most of the time you end up blaming yourself. If you had just asked a bit more nicely, or been a bit quieter, or done that thing a bit better, then they wouldn’t have lost it like that…It’s weird how much easier it is to spend hours worrying at your own short comings rather than take even a sneaky peak at the idea that maybe your marriage is fucked.
There’s an amazing book called “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft that some anonymous kind person on an abuse forum recommended to me at the start of my journey, and it’s really transformed my thinking about my relationship and given me a lot of strength. I think I spent 3 days in bed just reading it and crying hard every time I recognised a painful truth on its pages.
One of the biggest revelations is that it’s impossible to follow the logic of an argument with an abuser, because you’re starting from the assumption that your partner loves you and has good intentions, the way that you do. And as devastatingly sad as it is, it’s not true. He just wants to feel powerful and good about himself by controlling and dominating you.
The best rule of thumb I have found is, if you come away from a conversation with your partner feeling confused or hurt by their reaction, then that was a moment of abuse. I found it helpful to note them down on my phone, just a short description of what happened and how I felt. And over time I had a list of things, that when seen together, drew a pattern of manipulation and abuse. It was a pattern I couldn’t see in the moment, but is now heartbreakingly clear to me.
Since reading the book I’ve noticed that I’ve stopped arguing with my husband. When he does something that I find hurtful I no longer try to get him to see why what he has done is cruel/selfish/annoying because I now get that he doesn’t care, and I don’t believe he’s going to change, so I may as well not bother. It’s lowered a lot of the day to day stress and tension and has kept me focused on getting me out of the relationship rather than trying to fix it.
I realise, you’re probably not ready to even think about getting out right now, you just don’t want to feel this gut wrenchingly sad and scared and lonely. It’s ok, you take your time, you do what you feel you can do. Some days or weeks it will be nothing more than surviving. Other times you’ll feel bolder, more capable and the things that you do will make you feel slowly better and stronger. Some interactions with him, or family or friends or colleagues will throw you off balance again, and you’ll take time to get back on your feet. And all of that is fine. Now you know what’s happening, YOU set the goals, YOU set the pace.
Just remeber 3 things:
- Knowledge is power — learn what you can about about the nature of abuse because culturally, almost everything we are told about abuse is bullshit
- Connection is power — being in touch with other people who understand first hand what you’re going through is invaluable. Find online forums (like on the Women’s Aid website), or support groups (like the Freedom Project) to help you find a community. They will inspire you and give you courage
- Deep down you know — keep listening to your gut, if something feels bad, even if you can’t articulate why, then it is. Keep track of when you feel something is wrong, because over time you’ll put the pieces together and be able to see the full picture.
Big hugs, you’re going to be ok, it’ll just take a some time
xx
